Welcome to Fan-Tom Island

Ah warm well-come home to all Vincies living abroad who are here foh Vincy Mas. Before ah forget let me invite yuh to play Ole Mas wid de Go-venom-mint Band called “Fan-Tom Island!” If per chance yuh are one ah de thousands ah Fan-Tom Visitors who flew via Fan-Tom Airlines and made de e-nah-go-real fuss landing at de promised Argyle Inter-nah-shun-all Airport, den ah need not explain what dis Fan-Tom Island is all about. But foh those who arrived at de ole abandoned ET Joshua Airport now being transformed into ah Fan-Tom Mega City, ley me explain eh.{{more}} Foh de last 14 years, Papa Tom has been in charge ah everything, from cap-tin to cook, bottle washer, sailor and engine-near. It is strongly believed dat dis is his final year playing Mas wid de country, So we have to give him ah Fear-well Tribute. Wear Ah simple costume, anything dat could pass foh Red, and everybody must have ah Fan to “Waive.” Right now we already run out ah Fan, so ah Banana leaf will be quite appropriate, actually we also paying Fair-well to Banana as well. Trouble is, we short ah Banana trees, dey died under Papa Tom’s die-fuss-he-care-shun, so yuh could mek ah Fan from de leaf of ah Breadfruit, Cocoa or Mango tree. Walk wid extra,Fans, because over 800 Community College Graduates just out ah school, have been added to de 700 plus students dat graduated last year, all painfully employed at Idle Hall doing Fan-Tom Jobs, down at Fan-Tom Industries Unlimited.

Ah know yuh planning to mek de usual Boat-ride to Bequia, pick de right day because at de Grenadines Wharf dey was ah Fan-Tom Search on Friday, de Honourable Representative who was treated like ah represent-ah-teef. And hear dis one from lie-Za eh, she say don’t believe de Awe-position when dey say 49 business houses closed on Fan-Tom-Island, dey only closed Fan-Tomporarily; and de talk dat KFC close down is non-cents, it is alive and well, still operating, different owner wid de same initials KFC as in Ken-tek-he Fan-Tom Chicken. But if yuh must have Fry Chicken, dey’s BBFC as in Bigger-Biggs Fry Chicken on Bay Street opposite P.H. Veira. Bigger Biggs is de owner of ah Stone Crusher dat turned Fan-Tom under Papa Tom.

Of course yuh would have heard of de master-stroke by de Go-Venom-Mint when dey failed to pay de Public Servants contribution to NIS, so dey borrowed de outstanding Ah-raise from de NIS and den tun round and pay to de NIS de same money dey borrowed, dat’s Fan-Tom NIS Payments at its best.

Good news foh those ah yuh who need new pass-ports. Yuh will remember ah few years ago when we had to burn thousands ah Passports, dey were really and truly Fan-Tom Documents, we now have Do-well Citizenship. Here is how dat works: if yuh “Wary” wid yuh US, UK or Canadian Citizenship, yuh can apply, but remember it is ah Fan-Tom Ting, so on de Application Form, way dey ask “Wary or Nah Wary of yuh US, UK Can Cirizenship, yuh simply write “Ah-nah-Wary Citizenship!” Man dat “Ah-nah-Wary Citizenship” selling like hot bread, especially wid dem Gary-foh-Una children dat did get deported. Trouble is even Tom confused, he cussing it saying it is Fan-Tom Citizenship foh bring people to tek way we House and Land, and all de Fan-Tom Jobs he created! Lie-Za ask me to tell Bre-Tom sorry, Bre-Ton Horn to look out, Tom is bring him home foh Elect-shun to vote. It’s called Doctor Fan-Tom Elect-shun Package: “de Airlines is Fan-Tom, Flight number is Fan-Tom, opening date of Airport continues to Fan-Tom-eyes all and don’t be impatient, even de date of Elect-shun is still ah Fan-Tom.

Good news foh those ah yuh visitors who still remember how to play Bat and Bawl. WI cricket gone to de dogs, no real Bowlers like we uses to have. People giving de Selectors real licks, but one Kaisonian has identified de problem as being in de Bowling department. He gone as far as recommending some Bowlers from right hey in SVG dat never got real exposure, Bowlers of class. Yuh know how we Vincy hard to please, but not dis time, in fact all de names ah de Bowlers dat got selected have gone down well wid de public. Except of course, one “Pace Sir” nick-named “Mr PS” storm de cricket Association’s Office like ah Big Bad Bull-as in ah China shop, and demand his name be removed from dis list ah “Fan-Tom Bowlers.” Lie-Za who holds great respect foh dis “Mr PS” as ah professional and agrees wid him. She say dat Mr PS should ah tek it in good Kaiso Pee-Kong, get his own Fan-Tom Hard Ball and invite de Kaisonian to play Fan-Tom Cricket wid him. Let de Kaisoman bring his own Fan-Tom Bat-he got and den ley Mr PS bowl him! Anyhow all yuh have fun and N-joy Vincy Mas, in fact play Mas. Now if yuh must play Cricket, be careful and watch foh dem Bowlers, dey bowling wid read hard balls, unless of course yuh long to bat some Real Bowling and not Fan-Tom Bowling! And wid dat is gone ah gone again.

One Love Bassy

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.