I am trying to get rid of an abusive player, and seem to have picked up another

Hey Rosie,
 
I’ve been in a relationship for three and a half years with a man who has been having an affair with his child mother. All these years, while in a relationship with me, people will come and tell me they’ve seen them both and stuff. He’ll deny everything and I’ll put it behind me, but lately he started to disrespect me in public and pick fights with me in public. It even got to a point where he disrespects me for her. She posted an old picture of them kissing, I complained about it and he turned to me and told me she should put it up again. I ignored it!

Rosie, he lies about everything, but despite all that, deep down in my heart I still love him he helped me through many things since we’ve been together. He is basically someone I can count on to be there for me through anything, but I think he doesn’t know what he wants in his life. If he see me with any other guy he will pick a fight with them. He even stalks me to know where I am. I have told him countless times I’m done, but he still comes around me. He doesn’t leave me alone and I am tired and scared.

I didn’t let that keep me from being happy, so I started seeing someone else. He’s been nothing but good to me. He makes me extremely happy and I feel so alive again since we’ve been together, but I don’t know if he truly loves me as he says. When he’s around me he puts his phone on silent, he doesn’t take calls, he doesn’t even want me to look in his phone. Every morning he’ll leave me a message like ‘good morning baby love’, nothing more, just that one text. if I reply and say good morning and ask how he’s doing or just try to have a conversation after the good morning texts, he’ll just leave me on seen.

One time we went out and I used his phone to call my mom, when I was finish I searched his phone looking for my number, then I saw my number is saved as ‘Hey’ and another number Is saved as ‘B’. I didn’t say anything, I just got moody. Days after, I confronted him and he said the number saved as ‘B’ is some man number. I didn’t fret, I let it slide because I trust him. When he comes by me, right after we make love he’ll stay for like a couple minutes, then leave. When we spend time together he always wants us to have sex and honestly he makes me feel used, like I don’t mean anything to him. I’m tired of feeling this way. He keeps telling me he loves me and it’s me alone, but I’m not feeling that way. Now I can’t help but think I’m wrong for not letting the first guy know I’m with someone else. I’m so frustrated because I don’t know who actually loves me.

 What do I do?
 
Hello What do I do?
 
My first words of advice to you is to BE STILL.  There is too much happening in your world and you are caught up in a lot of relationship drama and only YOU can stop it.

First of all, I agree with you that your boyfriend of the last three years is a toxic, manipulative and mentally abusive individual, based on your description.  I am happy that you came around to the fact that you should walk away from him, but the problem is that you didn’t end it officially and then you started another problematic relationship.  The major lesson that you must learn is that you don’t get over one man by getting under another.  You have to work on YOU for a bit.  You must find out (via therapy) what is it that causes you to allow yourself to be treated this way and also pick these kinds of men?

Please understand that this second guy is also using you. Your instincts are right, he has other “interests” out there and you are possibly one of many.  He may be kinder to you at the moment, but in time his true colours and actions will start revealing themself.  You really have to stand strong my friend.  Ask yourself: “Do I deserve this? Should I play second fiddle to other women? Am I at peace with being by myself instead of being caught up in drama?”  These are a few hard questions you should ask yourself.

Also if your ex is threatening you, please go to the police and get an order of protection.  Take your power back and stop being played by these men! You are worth so much more than you are settling for! Get some therapy, find your inner peace and set yourself on a different and more successful path for your future. I truly wish you best.
 
Rosie