Just found out my loving husband is having an affair with a man

Hi Rosie, 

I’ve been with my husband for over 33 years and we have a great relationship.  We support each other through thick and thin and we have weathered many storms.  All of our children are grown with kids of their own, so we should just be enjoying each other’s company at this stage.  In fact, we just came back from a wonderful vacation.  This is the kicker, Rosie, I just found out by pure accident, because of a mis-directed text to my phone, that my husband is having an affair with a man! Rosie, this is someone that we have known for years and consider to be a close friend of the family.  In fact, he is the godfather of one of our kids! I am devastated, I can’t get the picture of two of them out of my head! He is away on business so he has no idea what I’ve discovered.  To be truthful, I have known that he has been “attracted” to other men over the years, but I never thought he would have acted on it.  I am so numb, I don’t know what to do, say or act when I see him shortly.  Please answer me, I am so anxious I can’t sleep. I even want to call the wife of the guy he is messing around with (we are friendly as well), I think she should know as well.  What do you think? I want to save my marriage, does that make me weak?

 Deceived

Dear Deceived,

Whoa! This is deep, my friend, very deep! I can hear the anxiety in your letter, not to mention the hurt, confusion and betrayal coming through as well.  Deep breaths, you will get through this shocking surprise a bit at a time.

Now, it may be a blessing in disguise that he wasn’t there when you discovered this shocking bit of news.  I don’t consider you weak at all, I consider you a rational woman who is a realist regarding her marriage and all of the time invested in it.  Look, you have to take a deep dive into your soul and ask yourself if you want to work on salvaging this breech in trust.

When you calm your spirit down, ask yourself a few hard questions:  Can I live with this level of betrayal?  Do I want to be with a man who is naturally attracted to other men?  Is this against my spiritual and moral values? Can the other good parts of my marriage override this indiscretion?  I am bringing up some of these questions because you had already suspected that he had “other” preferences and it seems that you never addressed this issue at all.  So even though you have had a solid relationship for many years, this skeleton has always been lurking in your closet without being addressed for years!  So now it would definitely seem that once you have confronted your husband and he lets you know his stance, you can BOTH determine if you would want to fight to salvage this marriage or end it.

This is a decision that has to be made from both parties.  One person can’t save this relationship.  I know it is a painful process to think about, but you will have to do something.  You may also need a mediator, I can see unkind things being said and feelings getting hurt, so thread lightly.  Also NO, do NOT tell his friend’s wife at this stage, you are dealing with your own challenges and this is not the time to bring someone else into your tornado.  Let her husband tell her.  The bottom line is you will need a lot of emotional support because life as you’ve known it will never be the same.  I do wish you both all the best moving forward.

 Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or PO Box 152, Kingstown,St Vincent & the Grenadines