Should I stay with a man who beats me, or one who loves me?

Hey Rosie,

I am a 20-year-old mother of a 3-year-old daughter. I love her so much. Her father is not a part of our life, because he died when I was seven months pregnant. However I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost two years.{{more}} He hits me and I’m tired of it. I started talking to this other guy, who is 17 years older than me. When I’m around him, I feel loved and appreciated. He makes me smile and I feel secure and happy. He wants the best for me and is always motivating me not to give up on whatever I want to achieve. I don’t know what to do. Should I stay with the woman beater, or the one who loves and wants the best for me?

Should I stay?

Hello Should I stay,

I must say that for 20 you have seen and experienced a lot. I want to applaud you for wanting to do better for both yourself and your daughter.

However, I think you need a little intervention in terms of your love life. You can succeed without (a) being with an abusive idiot and (b) a man who seems to want the best for you, but is also quite a bit older and can lead to other issues.

First of all, are you working? Can you create an independent life for you and your daughter? Maybe getting a stable base with your family; this would allow you to be independent of both men – financially that is. Secondly and most important of all, drop your current boyfriend. There is zero tolerance for violence and abuse in a relationship. You have no kids; you are very young with a full life ahead of you; who needs this mess? Leave and do not look back. That would include: texting, in boxing, having sex etc. Just cut the ties period. LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT!

Finally your knight in the 17-year-older armour (yes, I know I’m bad), look, he might be a decent guy. I can’t say if this would work or not, but what I can say is that a big mistake would be to jump from the “hitter” to this new guy without sorting yourself out first. You need to get your professional and educational life in order. Independence is key here for you and your daughter. Getting yourself in a place where you can see in what direction you are headed, making the right choices going forward in terms of a partner and what they (and you) bring to the table is another part of this path as well.

The bottom line is taking a break with relationships. You need to become more stable, because you are responsible for a young life as well as your own. I would also suggest some counselling as well. I wish you much success in making better choices going forward.

Rosie