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My mother lacks emotional aspect of what it means to love

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Hey Rosie,

I am a college student who will be graduating and starting university in January 2013. I live with my siblings and mother who has been a single parent ever since my dad passed away from a heart attack.

I have had a job ever since I was a young teenager. One might assume that someone as young as I, is rather happy and lives a decent life, but it is the total opposite. Ever since my father passed away, my mother has not been the same person that I once knew.{{more}} I used to think that she changed because my father’s death was too much to handle, but I have come to the conclusion that she was always the way she is now and was simply masked by my father’s kind heart and influence.

My mother seems to believe that loving her children means to put a roof above their heads and feeding them, but that’s far from what love means. She lacks the emotional aspect of what it means to love. My father showed love in all the ways possible and that’s why the fact that he has passed has been so hard on my siblings and me. My mother seems to think that the world revolves around her and that we should do everything she says, whether or not it makes us happy. She controls me as though I was a puppet of some sort. Being in prison would be no different than living in my household, to be very frank. I cannot go anywhere without my sister or brother. I don’t feel like I even had a childhood. There were no sleep-overs, no birthday parties, etc. I am not the only one who feels this way. My sister always attempts suicide and my mother is not even aware of the damage she is causing. She thinks she knows what is best for us, but I was told that happiness comes from within. My mother blamed me for my father’s death and that is something I carry on my back every day of my life.

The guy that I am currently talking to does not fit her standards and for that reason she has begun to push him away with all this negative energy. The sad part is that her plan is actually working. The guy has recently told me that he thinks it would be best if he stayed away from me, because of the way my mother acts. Due to this devastating news, I told the guy that a better solution was to pray, so we began attending church together. My plan is to walk with Christ and whenever things get better for me, I plan to take my siblings and move far away from my mother. That way, she will have what she always wanted: for everything to revolve around HER.

Unhappy

My dear Unhappy,

There are so many sad levels to this story, it’s not even funny. I want to say to you that you WILL get through this. You may ask “why me?” But with some serious intervention and guidance I KNOW you can!

Let me address your Mom for a moment; it seems as though she’s going through some sort of mid-life crisis and is herself very angry about her husband’s death. It would seem that he took care of everyone’s emotional needs and now with him gone, she is either incapable or not interested in catering to her children’s emotional needs. SHE needs a serious wake-up call and therapy, because she is failing you guys miserably.

Now I am also VERY concerned about your little sister! She has attempted suicide more than once? I know you may be very cautious about how you proceed with outsiders knowing your business, but you HAVE to let a healthcare provider know what’s going on. She is screaming for help and this is much bigger than you at the moment. This then leads me into the biggest part of what I want to talk to you about: do you want to become your siblings’ guardian and try with the help of social services in your city for housing and some financial help? This is one option. You may have to really pray and ask God to reveal someone close to you in whom you can confide what’s going on and who can help you intervene for the mental and social well-being of you and your siblings; you shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

The bottom line is that I am going to research services in your city and send them to you so you can have your options. I want you to have a life, experience a healthy relationship, a continued walk with your Lord and know that you can also be a role model to your siblings, all while growing into a wonderful and responsible adult. You are more mature and insightful than a lot of adults twice your age…including your Mom. So keep the faith; sit down and decide what direction you will want to take. I really need you to seek some outside help for your sister, because this is very urgent, but most importantly you are not alone. I am going to try my best to help you as well. Keep the faith and you will see this through!

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: [email protected] or P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.

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