My abusive ex wants a second chance

Hey Rosie,

I love your column and love your straight to the point advice. My problem may seem simple but it is a matter of the heart. I had an abusive boyfriend for many years, all through college, and we even moved in after graduation. But the abuse went from verbal to physical. It got so bad that he broke my arm and I needed a restraining order. Thank goodness, with the help of many, and a lot of counseling, I was able to walk away. The thing is, Rosie, I just saw him last week for lunch (he called me and said he wanted to see me) and I find that I am still drawn to him. I have a great job, a house and many supportive friends and family. But they wouldn’t be happy to hear that I am considering going back to him. He said he has changed, and even though I know it sounds foolish, I believe him. what should I do? Why can’t I say no?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I don’t think your problem is simple. In fact, many women fall into this vicious cycle over and over again. First of all, NO! I don’t care if he was deprogrammed by the best therapist known to man. you shouldn’t fall back into a potentially volatile relationship with your ex after one week. NO!

Must I remind you of the abuse, the broken arm and the restraining order? This didn’t happen overnight. He worked his way up to hurting you step by step and, sadly, you had such a horrible outcome. I personally wouldn’t even encourage a friendship either. There comes a time in all of our lives when the gift of “Goodbye” to someone is a gift in itself.

I am very concerned about you on the level of choosing the right person for yourself. I am recommending very strongly that you go back into counseling and try to discover what is it about you that thinks that she should deserve this type of treatment. We are creatures of habit and we many times pick the same person, just with a different name. So we must work on breaking this now. Again, remind yourself of your own self worth. All the great attributes that you have to bring to the table and why settling for less than what you deserve is really not an option. Again, seek a professional to talk to so you may unravel why you would consider even taking this person from your hurtful past back. All the best, and I am pulling for you.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.