Help: Is he using me?

Hey Rosie

I recently ended a 19-year relationship with my children’s father and am ready to move on with my life. I was deeply in love with this man and sent for him to live with us in the States. He was always a cheater, but I thought he would change, but I was wrong. I have an ex living in SVG and he always has time to listen to me when I am down and out.{{more}} This made me feel better, and we decided to try and have a relationship. Everything has been going well for the past 6 months, but we only communicate on the phone. Rosie I think I am in love with this guy, but I don’t want to get hurt. I am asking myself: Is he only looking for a plane ticket to America, or is he really in love with me? He is talking marriage.

Deeply Confused

Dear Deeply Confused,

I can understand your confusion because you are the one who is deeply involved here. To others who are reading this letter, they may think that this is clear as day. However, I am here to tell you, you are quite right to question your feelings and what your next move should be.

You have been through a very long, trying and disappointing relationship for the last 19 years. This man cheated on you and essentially created a lot of doubt with regard to what you should do in this “new/old” relationship with your love interest at home.

What does your gut tell you? Is he agreeing with almost everything that you say? Is he only to happy to be the shoulder you cry on? Are you thinking in the back of your mind “GREEN CARD?” Look, I am being real with you. You have to, have to, ask your self these tough questions in order to get some real answers.

I would love to see you settled with a good man, someone who will respect you and your children. Someone who will want to build a real future with you. However, you have to do some leg-work. Do you have anyone at home who can tell you about the day-to-day activities of this man? Maybe is he seeing someone? What type of provider is he? Is there baby-mama drama? Is he willing to wait and let your relationship grow and re-establish itself for a couple more years?

Deeply Confused, become the detective that we women are known to be naturally. If something is in the closet, knock on the door and look in. If he is the man for you, it will be revealed in time (in fact I hope he is), but it is too soon to be talking marriage and coming to America. If you do this, he will be your rebound guy and this will be very bad. Slow down, clear your head, then move forward. It will fall into place over a fair amount of time. Wishing you nothing but the very best for the coming year.

Rosie