How I got AIDS – part 2

CONFESSIONS FROM HER DIARY PART 2

…After a while, I started taking the pill because it was more convenient, and Brandon didn’t really like using condoms although he did it to please me. This was my Boo. Every time we made love, it felt like the first time, sweet and intense. Without a shadow of doubt, this was going to be the father of my children, my husband and lover. {{more}}

I didn’t care about other men and their money, this man completed me; he made me happy. This was my knight in shining amour, he wasn’t rich but he was honest. I was his precious Baby Boo and soul mate.

Some months later, I started feeling weak and tired. At first I thought it was because of too much sex, then I thought I was pregnant, but that was a false alarm. Then I decided to go to the doctor because I had a strange discharge. This was really unusual; I’ve had yeast infections before, but this was different. At one of the pharmacies in town I got a cream and the symptoms went away, but they came back. Nevertheless, I went to take a test because I had a nagging feeling that something was wrong.

Has Brandon been cheating on me? But how, and when? He never leaves my sight!

No, Brandon wouldn’t do that. Not after all we have built together and worked so hard to achieve. He didn’t have eyes for anybody else. I probably picked up a virus from the water.

Things were going well, so well that Brandon and I decided to take a vacation in Trinidad for a week cause that was all we could afford at the moment. I was so excited, for some reason I could not get enough of this man. I loved him so much – only God alone knows!

About two days before we left, Dr. Balsingh asked me to come in to review my test results. My world came crashing down on that Tuesday, the 18th November 2003. The words echoed in my ears, “Syphilis and HIV positive”. I told the doctor there must be some mistake because my man does not sleep around. I told him that my man loves me and only me. I told him he was incompetent. I told him … so many things…

The look on Dr. Balsingh’s face made my blood run cold. He said, “Nikki, I am absolutely sure.” I was shaking all over and hot tears burned in my eyes. This was a kind of pain that I had never experienced before, the hurt of betrayal and disappointment. How could he do this to me? Why? What did I do to deserve this? I am going to kill that lying, cheating, good for nothing, back stabbing son of a gun!

I felt sick all over. My knees were weak and trembling, but the urge to put a stick right through his black heart carried me. I could think of nothing but revenge. Brandon Frankford Theophanous Willington, has got it coming, and he doesn’t even know it!

When I got home, Pam was waiting for me. She had come to borrow some DVDs, and was shocked when she saw my face stained with tears. When I saw her, the only thing I could do was BAWL!BAWL!BAWL! I told her what had happened and made her promise to keep my secret. She agreed.

When Brandon came home, I was sitting in the living room waiting for him. He took a look at me and went pale; then rushed to my side, took me in his arms and said “Boooo, what’s the matter love?”

I looked at that bastard.

“Boooo, tell me what’s wrong, I hate to see you this way.”

I looked at that dog, that hypocrite, that liar!

When I finally found my voice I said “ I am HVI positive.” At that point I saw a black man turn red, and I know that he knew. For the first time, the man I loved disgusted me. He said that I had given it to him. Can you believe that! Can you believe that! This was the beginning of the end, not only of my relationship, but of my life. I felt so alone.

Those were rough times. But I am strong, so I was able to cope with my situation thanks to Pam. I sought counselling as well as support from my friends and family. Brandon doesn’t speak to me. He doesn’t even look me in the face. Now he drinks more than ever and has evolved into someone I hardly know. If you ever go to one of the nightclubs in this country and you see a good looking guy with a nice smile, brown skin and really handsome, that’s probably him, the man I loved with all my heart.

I needed some time off, so I took a vacation and went to Trinidad for about two months. That did me well. I felt relaxed and just wanted to carry on with my life hoping that some day I will find that person I truly desire – a man to love me for me, even though I’m HIV positive.

When I heard that Brandon got married, I was shocked.

“That bastard!” I could exclaim nothing less. My heart burned from its depths and I realized that I was still in love with him, but he didn’t deserve me. This was an evil man. Brandon knows that he is sick and although he deserves to be happy just as everyone else, he has spitefully ruined someone, and that I can’t forgive.

I met his friend about a month ago and I asked for Brandon’s number and address it the States. I’m not up to talking to that man right now, so I wrote a letter instead. I told him that if he didn’t tell his wife he was HIV positive, I would. I’m giving him two months.

CONFESSIONS FROM HIS DIARY PART 2

I’ve had plenty girls before, some might say too many but I was looking for Nikki all my life. I am sure of it now. She was independent, smart, close to her family but her own individual, friendly (maybe too friendly) but not a follower. She had a good job but small salary but she was ambitious. She had big dreams, just like me. She was my other half. I really thought so.

The first time we had sex was too good to believe. She insisted on condoms and I was glad. This woman really had her head on. I was eating out of her hand but she was stuck on me too, so it was all good. We were like twins, you see me, you see her. She even told me I was the only man she ever wanted to have babies with.

It was only natural that we stopped using condoms once we were together 6 months. We were going to be together forever. This was my baby! I was her one and only. So I knew she wouldn’t bring anything from any other man to me. She would never butt me. She had a lot of offers, some she told me about but no one could take my place in her heart or her life, she promised.

One time I went out with the fellas, we got real drunk. They were cussing me telling me they don’t see me anymore because I have my wifey and I on lockdown. I figured if it were any of them who got her, they would never leave her side either! She was a good girl. My parents loved her, my whole family thought she was good for me, my friends too but men must throw jokes on their brethren.

That drunken night, a smallie came over to talk to us. She was alright looking and she was stuck on me all night. A few beers later and she was telling me she could teach me a thing or two about sex. My boys started to tell her that I couldn’t do anything with her because my wifey would kill me. I had to prove them wrong.

I felt real bad the next day but Nikki didn’t know, so I didn’t tell her. A few other times, I took a piece on the side but it was just sex. I didn’t get involved in any relationship with any of those girls and they couldn’t compare to my wifey anyway. She almost caught me once or twice. She suspected me sometimes but I never admitted.

I wanted to have a baby with my girl. She would be such a good mother to my children. Plus she would be mine for always because I knew she would marry the man she had children with. She wanted a family.

Once we thought she was pregnant but it was a false alarm. I was disappointed but I was too broke then to be a father anyway. She had money but not enough to take care of her and a baby. My salary couldn’t make it yet. We would do it later when the money was better. I even had plans to propose first. So, she went on the pill because we had stopped using condoms. She got an infection once but women get those things sometimes, so I didn’t worry. She got some kinda cream from the pharmacy and it went away.

Then I got a strange sore on my groin and I went to see one of my old schoolmates who was a doctor. He sent me for two tests, blood tests. When he told me the results I wanted to vomit. I had syphilis, he said, and HIV! HIV! That’s all I heard, the syphilis faded into the background. I am going to die! How did I get this? Nikki is the only person I don’t use condoms with lately. Nikki! Oh God! How do I tell her! What if she has it too? Did I give her, did she give me?

I couldn’t talk to her. For days I was distant, trying to figure out how to bring it up. Then she did. She told me she had it and I panicked! I told her she might have given me. I was so harsh! I wanted to run the minute I saw the look of betrayal on her face. The words kept coming, from the guilt and hurt and fear. I killed our love that day.

She disappeared for a while. I almost went insane thinking she had died. My doctor friend advised me to get counselling but I can’t let anybody know I have it. I see how they treat people with it. I used to be one of those making jokes about people with AIDS. Now it’s me.

I called my mother in the States and told her. After all the tears, she told me I should come and be with her. She would arrange everything. I stopped working and started drinking to ease the pain. I keep seeing Nikki but I can’t meet her eyes when she looks at me. I still love her so much but she doesn’t deserve to live with a man like me!

My mother arranged with a friend of hers, for me to go stateside and get married to get my papers. I am still afraid to go to the doctors or counselling here. I think about Nikki every day and I hope that this pain in the pit of my stomach will ease and I can learn how to live without her. I feel like I have lost everything.