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Should I make a surprise visit to my boyfriend, who I believe is cheating?

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Dear Life Coach,

I am a 36-year-old female and have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. Eleven months ago he migrated to the US and we have been communicating frequently and everything was going well. Recently, my cousin, who is very trustworthy and who also lives in the US, informed me that he was cheating on me. I asked him about it on the telephone but he did not want to talk about the issue and so he slammed down the phone and has not answered me since; I have called several times. The thought has occurred to me that I should make a surprise visit to see what is going on, as I still love him and want to see if things can still work out between us, but I do not know if this is a wise decision.{{more}} I am so broken-hearted – I thought that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Broken Hearted (BH)

Dear BH,

You are broken hearted because you still love the man who has been unfaithful to you and want to know if the relationship can still work.

What’s Going On:
Here are some factors that contribute to your present situation: infidelity, emotional bonding, life stage, need for dialogue, and surprise visit. These I will address briefly.

Infidelity

Infidelity will create mistrust and discord in any relationship. The question is: are you willing to continue in a relationship where trust and faithfulness are broken? Past and present behaviour is usually indicative of future behaviour.

Emotional Bonding

Emotional bonding means that you have a deep connection to your boyfriend, which is important to you. In essence, you are tied to him at the heart. This is expected since you have been with him for over 10 years and you have, no doubt, shared a lot together. You are also trying to salvage your relationship with him which is understandable.

Life Stage

You are in the childbearing and childrearing stage of your development, and given your age, it is natural for you to expect that the next stage in your relationship would be marriage, after spending so much time with one partner.

 

 
What to Do:

Dialogue

There is clearly a need for dialogue with your boyfriend in order to know where you stand with respect to your relationship, whether he wants to continue with you or not. This is difficult since he is unwilling to communicate with you at present by telephone.

Plan for the Surprise Visit (if You Decide to Go)

There is no wrong or right in whether you should visit to find out what is happening. If you do not go, the issue is likely to remain unresolved. If you go, you are likely to find out where you stand (positive or negative). If you decide to go, there are some questions for you to ponder as follows:

1. If your boyfriend is unwilling to talk with you on the telephone, would he be willing to talk with you in person? If he is being unfaithful, and you turn up unannounced and find him with another woman, what will you do? What kind of future do you expect to have with an unfaithful person? Are you willing to make the sacrifice to remain in this relationship? If you go I would recommend the following:

2. Have somewhere else that you can stay, in case you cannot stay with him

3. Have a friend or family member that can be a support to you while you are there, e.g. to go along with you and or be there for you if things end

4. Be prepared for the unexpected, e.g. the end of the relationship, the other person being around, your boyfriend being angry or not wanting to talk to you

BH, regardless of how things turn out, you are likely to experience some difficult times in this relationship: if it ends you will need to deal with the loss appropriately; if it continues you will need to work to re-build trust, respect and fidelity. I hope things will work out well for you. Best wishes as you seek to decide which direction to go with your relationship.

Life Coach

DYNACII

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.

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