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Am I doing the right thing by moving on?

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Dear Life Coach,

I am a 28-year-old female and I have been in a relationship for the past four years. My boyfriend and I broke-up six months ago, because he went on a work conference abroad without informing me. I discovered this when I went to the airport to see one of my girlfriends off only to see my boyfriend returning from somewhere – we bumped into each other at the immigration section. What is worse was that his ex and other friends were there to meet him. I was speechless and so was he. We said nothing to each other; it was as if we were strangers. I was so shocked and embarrassed (I was with another girlfriend) that I have said nothing to him since.{{more}} I have waited for an explanation, but there was nothing until now. Last night I received a voice message from him, stating that he wanted to talk with me to explain, but I do not want to talk – I will not be able to keep it together. I think that I should dump him. The fact is that he has already dumped me and I am basically ready to move on. I refuse to be treated this way and it is not the first time. Should I respond to his voice message? Am I doing the right thing by moving on? What if there is a good explanation for what occurred?

Embarrassed Girlfriend (EG)

Dear EG,

You feel angry and embarrassed that your boyfriend would travel without having the courtesy to inform you, but informed others, including his ex.

What’s Going On:

Here are some factors that contribute to your present situation: lack of communication, lack of trust, secrecy, disrespect, and possible unfaithfulness, among others. I will address these briefly.

Lack of Communication

Trust and intimacy are built on open and honest communication and without these, the fabric of any relationship is destroyed.

Secrecy

Secrets in a relationship usually indicate that someone has something to hide, due to dishonesty, shame, guilt, or infidelity.

Disrespect

To respect someone means to esteem that person as being worthy e.g. of time, attention, or honour. Your boyfriend’s act of omitting to inform you about his travel plans is one of disrespect.

Unfaithfulness

Your boyfriend’s ex came to meet him, along with other friends at the airport. Could this mean that he is still involved with her, or at least still have feelings for her? This is not a good basis on which to build a relationship.

Character Flaw

Disrespect, unfaithfulness, lack of communication, and secrecy are major causes of problems in any relationship. If these qualities typify your boyfriend’s character now, it is unlikely to change in the future.

Possible Steps to Take:

No Right or Wrong Answer

There is no right or wrong answer as to whether or not you should talk with your boyfriend. Talking to him depends on what you think is best for you, e.g. the need for clarification or the need to quit and be left alone.

 

Face to Face Contact versus Telephone Contact

If you decide to speak with your boyfriend, a person to person contact is preferable to telephone contact, since communicating by telephone is very limiting for a situation in which explanations and clarifications may be necessary.

Attentive Listening
Since your boyfriend was at fault and requested the meeting, if you decide to meet with him you should give him a chance to say what he has on his mind, listen attentively and then respond to him with whatever it is that you have to say.

Assertive Speaking

Yes, you are angry, and you really want to say it like it is. However, it is important to say what you need to say in a calm and respectful way and so maintain your dignity. Respect is something that is earned. By conducting yourself appropriately, your boyfriend will respect you more, even if the relationship has ended. Be careful to use “I statements” e.g. I feel hurt because ….. or I did not like ….. etc, instead of blaming, e.g. You did …… or You should not have ……etc. You should also avoid being confrontational.

Be Prepared

Your boyfriend may want to make up with you, or he may want to break up officially; so, if you decide to meet with him, be prepared for either. If You Break Up: seek comfort in your family and or friends. Getting over broken love takes time. With or without him, know that life goes on and that it is not the end of the road. If you lose him, have hope that you will meet a better person later on.

Before You Make Up:
consider, based on all the happenings, whether this is truly the best person for you. Evaluate the following: 1. Reasons you love him. 2. Why this is the best relationship for you, based on the things you want for yourself in life. 3. Steps needed in order to improve this relationship. 4. Who will make each step and when.

EG, I wish you the best as you seek to figure out what is the best thing to do in this situation.

Life Coach

Dynacii

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.

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