Love Sick Woman

Dear Life Coach,

I am a 30-year-old female, and I have been involved for the past 4 years with a 35-year-old man whom I love very much. At this point, I am ready to settle down, but my boyfriend is not interested in marriage. Whenever I talk about marriage generally, he says that he is not ready for marriage and might never be. Also, sometimes I do not see him for weeks at a time, because he is a salesman and often works in the country.{{more}} So, he only visits me when he is in town. I love him so much, but now I’m beginning to wonder if he really loves me. I cannot see my life without him, but I am not getting any younger and I would like to get married and have a family before it is too late. What should I do? Thanks.

Love Sick Woman (LSW)

Dear LSW,

Thanks for your email. I hope that things will turn upwards for you in love.

Your Situation:

Several factors are at work here: the biological clock, possible trauma, socialization, possible infidelity, lack of trust/openness, and a lack of self-esteem, among others. I will address each briefly.

1. Biological Clock

At your age you are in the childbearing/child rearing stage of your development and so you are experiencing that maternal urge (biological clock), which gives you the desire to settle down, and have children. Your boyfriend is also at the same stage of development, yet he is not ready for a commitment.

2. Possible Trauma

Your boyfriend may have suffered some kind of trauma in the past or other situation that is preventing him from being on par with his development (a lack of desire for marriage – childbearing/child rearing).

3. Socialization

Your boyfriend may not have been socialized to get married. Many children are raised in households with unmarried parents or they have father figures in their lives who have never settled down.

4. Possible Infidelity

Your boyfriend may not be interested in a marital commitment with you if there are other love interests. After all, he is often out of town. It is possible that he may already have a family.

5. Lack of Trust and Lack of Openness

There is also a lack of openness and trust in your relationship; you are only able to talk to each other in general terms about how you really feel about each other, your relationship and about marriage.

4. Lack of Self-Esteem

It seems that you depend solely on your boyfriend for your affectional needs to be met, but he is largely unavailable to you and is not committed towards marriage, yet you continue to cling to him. You seem therefore to love this man more than you love yourself (lack of self esteem).

What to Do:

1. Expand your Social Network. Since your boyfriend is not interested in marriage, you should begin to expand your friendship network to include other eligible bachelors. This will provide you with other options for marriage if things do not work out with him.

2. Develop Self-Esteem. Do things that will help to enhance you as a person and also prepare you for marriage, eg. reading books, attending seminars, learning a new skill, updating your wardrobe, etc. This will help to increase your positive view of self, as well as bring you into contact with other people.

Caution: Proceed with the next step only if you are ready for a change in your relationship. Your relationship could improve or come to an end, depending on what you discover.

3. Develop Openness and Trust in your Relationship. There can be no true relationship without openness and trust.

* Before you ask for openness and honesty: prepare for a possible break up; enlist support from family/friends; think of ways to comfort yourself in the event of a break-up; choose the right time and place, and ensure that there is enough time to talk.

* Be open and honest with your boyfriend. Let him know how you feel about him, your relationship and marriage.

* Ask your boyfriend to be open and honest with you about his feelings about you, your relationship and marriage.

* Ask your boyfriend if something happened in his past that is preventing him from getting married.

* Ask your boyfriend if he has other love interests. Do this in an exploratory fashion, not in an accusatory way.

See more on this at: http://www.dynacii.blogspot.com

LSW, I hope that love works in your favour.

Life Coach

DYNACII

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.X