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Covet 19 Money Reach Hell

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In de Bible dey’s dis Parable told by Jesus of ah Rich man who featsted sumptuously every day. But right outside his gate was Lazarus, ah Poor Man covered with sores, who longed to satisfy his hunger with what fell from the Rich Man’s table;

even his health situation was gross, de dogs would come and lick his sores. First to die was de Poor Man, and when he passed-away he was carried away by the angels to be with Father Abraham in Heaven. But when de Rich Man’s time was up, he was buried and descended into hell go meet Satan. He arrived in Hell at ah terrible time, de flames like dey got away and Hell was Hot! In desperation, de tormented Rich Man looked up and saw Abraham far away with Lazarus by his side, eating Jel-O and I-Scream. Ah have to quote dis section; He called out, “Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am in agony in these flames!”

But dey’s also an African Parable dat I saw on Social Media, Similar, but not quite de Same as “Lazarus and de Rich Man.” Dis Rich Man whom dey called Boss, died suddenly and surprisingly found himself at Heaven’s Gate. St Peter was off duty and he met St Thomas (doubting Thomas) who read de Rules to him. Since his death Certificate stated dat he died from ah complicated case of COVID-19 and Den-Gay, he would have to go into two days Quarantine, one in Hell and de other in Heaven. He had heard ah lot bout Hell and its everlasting Fire, he figured he would opt to de first day in Hell and get it out ah de way.

FETE FOH SO IN HELL

As Boss approached Hell’s Gate, he went into ah state of Stupefaction. Shock! Nuff loud music licking down de place, lively singing and screaming. Make-shift DJ Too Cool was in control ah sounds and he recognized Boss and played an ole Vincy Road March Song: “We Drinking! We Drinking! We Drinking!” Man de crowd went crazy. Everybody had ah drink in dey hand and dey all seemed glad to see de ever popular Boss. He looked around, and contrary to all de negative things said about Hell, dey was AC and de place was “Cold like Hell!”

Ah long time Vincy girl-friend grabbed him tight from behind and said: “Bosssss! good to see you, what yuh doing down hey? Come drink ah ‘Cold Corona’ from all dah COVET 19 Hand-out money wid me. Lost foh words, he told her de last thing he could remember was ah big truck crashing into him; dat St Thomas sent him down to Quarantine foh one day, but de experience was too true to believe: “ What going on?” he asked. So she told him dat Satan was off foh de day and ah Vincy fellah name Bagga from Country was acting Devil, and Bagga will deal wid him.

Immediately Bagga recognized Boss who had given him his first job driving ah Banana Truck Upstairs. Things got more transparent when Bagga explained to his former Boss, dat COVET 19 money sharing away Upstairs, and thanks to de General, two ‘747 Cargo Planes’ from de RAF, as in “Red Army Faction,” had arrived filled wid CORONA Beers; inviting Satan to let us have ah Virtual Party. So even down here in Hell we having celebration foh all former Star’lwarts, those who were on Poor Relief and passed on. Banana Farmers and non-Banana Farmers who never plant ah Banana, but passed on; those who have vouchers foh material but did not collect, all persons who would ah qualify foh CRIME… sorry PRYME, but left too early. “In other words” said Boss, “COVET 19 Money Reach Hell!”

WHEN DE CELEBRATIONS OVER

Reluctantly, Boss went back to Heaven to do his “One day Quarantine.” St Thomas was still at de gate holding on foh St Peter: He told him : “St Thomas, now Doh Doubt Again, but Hell is nothing like what all yuh say it is!” Couple days after he told everybody in Heaven goodbye. As he approached Hell, de regular DJ spotted him ah mile away coming, and put on Black Stalin’s Kaiso: “Bun Dem!” And as he got closer he heard his welcome lyrics: “Peter wait, Peter wait, look ah Boss-man by de gate!” De first person he asked for was Bagga, only to be told dat Satan was back and everything was back to normal; de place was Hot like Hell, and he was not even inside or near de furnace yet.

Finally Boss got an audience wid Satan, so he asked de Devil to explain what de celebration wid all de drinking, and singing and partying ah couple days ago was all about. “Oh yes,“ Satan said, “Dat’s when we were campaigning, dat’s all over and so are de Elect-shuns! We back in de same Hell again!” And wid dat is gone ah gone again.
One Love Bassy

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.

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