Skin teeth beware

Seems like our ripe Banana is not just a belly full, but has properties dat good foh preventing ah lot ah ailment, from head to toe. Somebody sent me one ah dem e-mail on Ripe Banana, could be ah scam, yu never know. De info is amazing, ah never knew dat Ripe Banana can boost brain power, mek yuh arguably “de brightest minister or former minister in Guv-ah-mint,” fancy Pry Minister accompanied by Jeer-all Tom-son who beating his chest at North Leeward sharing out lands at ten cents ah square foot to close to 300 residents; saying he is making (arguably) de biggest land distribution ever.{{more}}

Ah tell Lie-Za dat’s ah master pull-tek-all stroke, she laugh and said, ah real stroke in truth; not a single soul received ah Title Deed, dey handed out Invoices to go pay foh de land. Den she ask what ever become ah de over 3, 000 acres ah Agricultural lands and 400 house plots dat Sir James gave out at Orange Hill, and before dat in Can-One over 100 house plots at penny and four cents ah square foot.

Still on Ripe Banana, now proven good foh de eyes in de maintenance of night vision; yuh could keep all yuh “night vision” dat is foh George Bush to see Arm-in in de night; right now we in SVG running on no vision oops, ”low vision,” we would settle foh leadership wid just ordinary vision.

De potassium in Ripe Banana is good foh de heart, lowers blood pressure.

Dey’s Tryp-to-phan not Arse-to-phan in Ripe Banana dat mek yuh relax, improve yuh mood; ah got to send Dan Cummings and Lee-cock ah supply ah Ripe Banana.

Dis magic fruit helps prevent Hype-attention, reducing “de risk of stroke.” Maybe if de Pry Minister was eating Ripe Banana, he would ah never mek his fear-most Master Stroke when he gey way de NCB.

And heys good news foh Senator Julie-Anne, Banana helps those who want to quit smoking. Dis miracle food is good foh de stomach, after all de talk bout Banana got acid dah bad foh people wid stomach problems, well it’s now recommended foh Peptic Ulcers. We all know dat ah Ripe Banana wid ah glass ah warm water will free up de bowels, good foh constipation, corrects Rugged Guts, did somebody say Arm-In? Yes Arm In and Ralph too, Ripe Bananas protect the healthy constitution of the stomach in two ways.

Firstly, they trigger the production of mucus in the stomach, which provides a protective barrier against stomach acids.

Secondly, bananas possess protease inhibitors, a substance that breaks down bacteria in the stomach that cause ulcers. Dey saying it is also good foh Die-ah-rear, ah wonder if dat includes oral die-ah-rear.

Exciting news foh de spineless Speaker, Alexander, Ripe Banana promotes hell’t back bones, ah regeneration ah de spine. And hey’s an extra hint foh Pry Minister Gun-soft to help put an end to dis four years ah negative growth in de E-con-me, Ripe Banana reduces depression!

And all de fuss de Europeans making, rejecting our over Ripe Bananas wid black spots, dey saying now, dat dem dark patches on de yellow skin, produces a substance called “Tumor Necrosis Factor (TNF), which has de ability to combat abnormal cells. And de riper de Banana de better is its anti cancer quality.

Now if yuh think all ah de above is too much to swallow, wait till yuh hear dis one, it beats all!

Looking foh whiter teeth? Forget bout Colgate and Crest and de rest, it is now established dat if yuh gently rub de inside ah de Ripe Banana skin around yuh teeth foh two minutes, it has amazing minerals like potassium, magnesium and manganese in de inside ah dat Banana skin, dat will absorb into yuh teeth and whiten dem!

Ah swear ah tried it ah few times and me teeth dem ain’t only look whiter dey feel revital-lies.

Wait till de Dentist, Bernard Mills read dis, he did tell me de best mouth wash is warm salt water, ah know he will give me de sh—–ts! But Lie-Za tried cleaning she teeth wid de Banana Skin too, and she saying somebody should tek it and mek ah tooth paste, mek it more sophisticated; she even get ah name foh it: “ Skin Teeth!”

Ah thought ah should correct her dey, so ah told her “Skin Teeth” got its own brand already, people who does put on ah big false grin pon dey face give yuh, mek yuh think dey genuinely smiling wid yuh and all is well, dis time de pushing ah shaft up yuh rare. She ain’t wait foh me to finish, she ask me if ah mean people like de self-appointed DPP, Girl-in de House who say she save Lee-cock from Jail ah time, and all dem years she dey giving him “Skin Teeth,” she was only waiting foh de moment to “let him out” or is it “lock him in!” Ah refused to answer her.

Den she say she certain dat de Pry Minister doe use Ripe Banana skin to clean he teeth; how when he pon TV, she like how he does riggle up, den twist round in his cheer, and den give yuh ah “Skin Teeth” dat out ah dis world, yuh hear lie!

Den she ask if ah think Ripe Banana skin could clean people tongue too, dem who does tell ah lickle Lie some ah de time, but not all ah de time. Ah had to chase her from in front ah me and tell she go look find some Ripe Banana skin and clean she whole mouth, teeth, gum and tongue!

Finally, Ripe Banana is excellent foh de Blood Sugar, it loaded wid Sucrose, Froctose and Glucose, foh extra N-ah-G, so if yuh were unable to find de N-ah-G to read dis boring article to de end, den yuh need lots ah Ripe Banana. Give yo-self ah Real Smile, no Skin Teeth!

And wid all dat, is gone ah gone again.

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.