To win… first yuh must lose

Dey’s dis Wait-Loss competition in de US foh owe-beast people, real overweight folks, 300 and 400 pounds. It’s ah contest way de person who looses not necessarily de most weight, but de highest number of pounds per bodyweight, or de highest percentage loss, is de winner. Is like ah pair-ah-ducks, “to win yuh must be de biggest loser”.{{more}}

De two finalists started out at 440 pounds, and dey kept going down and down, on final night one chap lost 228 pounds or 52 percent, de guy looked ah complete make-over, from ah barrel belly to ah bird waist, even his features went from round to long and he looked ah man at peace. But he did not quite lose enough. De other champ got rid of 239 pounds or 54 percent. Physically dey both looked like twins before and after. Their confessions made an interesting story: Lots ah sacrifices; exercises, diet-in, lots ah nice tasty foods got thrown out de window. At times dey trained together and shared tips, in de end dey got rid of ah lot ah fat and filth, their bodies were de better for it, all in all, dey were both winners.

Straight away ah thought of my two pull-it-tek-all leaders, how dey have so much in common: all the x-cess-es. But de physical weight is not ah problem as de spiritual, de evil, hatred and spite is de bother. Ah listened to Eustace on NICE Radio explaining dat he has no intent-shun of victim-eyes-in any one whether dey supported him or not. He sounded since-here as he always does. But wha’s de Prime Minister saying lately? He opens de new year by going on his ULP Radio Station, promising dis election year, to go down in de gutters to fight Shelly Clarke, and columnists de likes ah Ken John, Bassy Alexander et al. Just two weeks ago he was on Shelly Clarke and de NEWS, all because Shelly decides to challenge him. Poor guy, he doesn’t even know way he dey; everybody is saying dat it’s time he lifts himself out ah de Rut, and he’s planning to die dey, pull-it-to-kill-he. What ah man.

DE MAD HOUSE ON FIRE

When Lie-Za called and said “de Mad House on Fire” ah thought she was talking bout de House ah Par-liar-mint, because ah expect it to catch ah fire when next dey meet and de Awe-Position seek answers to de US money come-mess at de NCB; but dat is another story. Mental Health means ah lot to me. Ah been going dey since ah was ten years ole, my father was ah patient dey and even as ah child, it uses to mek me cry, to see me father behind bars like ah prisoner and de only crime he committed was he was crazy. Today it is more kindly called mentally ill. Ah was once president ah de Mental Health Association, de place was in ah mess, overcrowded, not enough beds, two males to ah mattress. Absolutely no form ah recreation. Young, ole, mentally ill, drugs-men, even mentally disabled all lived together. And de physical structure was still de same like when ah was ah boy, dem iron bars man, mental home is ah jail. De first ting ah realized is dat Guv-ah-mint had no plans whatsoever to mek life better foh de mentally challenged, except to jam ah injection in dey backside and mek dem dotish. Administration after Administration come and go but only de faces change, dey all listen to de problems and do nothing. So dah fire is ah wake up call foh all ah we, and ah glad dat dey housed dem at de Community College because as close as de college is to de institution, ah feel dat none ah dem Sociology students ever visited dey place. Ah will bet me last dollar dat dis Guv-ah-mint will not do ah single ting to improve dat place. Oh sorry, dey will say Vote back ULP and we will have ah Mad House Rev-all-yuh-shun. Ah think dat is what we have right now in de country.

DEM PANTS

Dey was ah time when ah uses to give New Years Awe-wards, ah actually ran out. However, going thru my stuff ah found ah few Pants, long, three-quarter and short still waiting to be Awe-warded. Public Servants today have lost dey spine, not Accountant General, Mrs Fitz Patrick, she gets ah full Long Pants foh dat strong letter she wrote to Maw-gone, Cabinet Secretary. Annie-saw Baptiste, another Public Servant wid spine, who placed country before wuk and calm-pain foh de Vote No; she gets ah long skirt because ah don’t know if dey does wear pants in de Chews-on religion. Clem Iton, ah former Public Servant still wid spine, ah long pants foh his strong and forthright letters to de press. Boy Beach will put on ah Long Pants and be “Man Beach” foh dem tour-is-him nature sites, but more so foh telling de Comrade like it is at de ULP high-rocky meeting. Commissioner Miller moves out ah Short Pants, but he ain’t 100% ready foh ah Long Pants, so ah Three Quarter Pants foh him. Randy D gets ah Long Pants foh Vibes Caribbean; Long pants foh Paul Mc Leish foh giving us free TV foh over 30 years. Too Cool Kris, Linch, Buns and Nest-dah-Cook get ah three-quarter foh waking up de nation’s consciousness on Radio. Kenton Chance has ah regular bullet-in all de way from Tie-One, ah Three-Quarter. Mad-is-straight Sonja Young and Justice Brew-Sly ah Long. Ferdie’s and Ras I-tall foh local q’s-seen ah Long. C.P Hall de kiddies Santa every year, ah Long. Kenneth Ash & his wife Oh-live – Long! Columnist Ken John whose pen-is dangerous, ah Long! Ah run out ah Long pants, ah had some Pum-pum shorts foh dem pully-trickans on both sides, de people who lock down de playing fields in town and dem Clergy people, but Lie-Za like she gone wid dem. And wid dat ah gone again.

One Love Bassy

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.