Should I give in and let him go to see what it is really like?

Hey Rosie,

My ex and I share custody of our son.  I am single and my ex has gone on to remarry and he now has two younger children with his wife.  For the most part, we have a decent working relationship.  He has my son every other weekend, half of the summer vacation and also we alternate with the holidays, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I have no issues with his new family, or wife for that matter, but there is one glitch.  My ex keeps bad-talking me with our son when they are having “guy talk”.  He tells him that I am not raising him to be a strong man, that he is soft like me. He also told my son that he wouldn’t need extra-curricular help in school because it’s all made up and I am a fool for believing them. He even told my son that he could come and live with him and he would “deal” with me. My son is now 14 and I slowly see him become more defiant and disobedient.  Many arguments start off with, “My dad said that I don’t have to….”, and it is really beginning to wear me down, Rosie.  I am the one who is there more than 80 per cent of the time, dealing with his teachers, his therapist, when he is scared, etc. His dad doesn’t call him when he’s with me to check up.  Should I give in and let him go to see what it is really like? Or should I confront my ex about the things he keeps saying.

Tired Mom

Dear Tired Mom,

I can totally understand how defeated you are feeling at the moment.  Who needs this kind of nonsense from a grown adult, when you are trying your hardest to do right by your son on a daily basis? Your ex should be ashamed!

Listen, some people can have a lot of book sense, but absolutely no common sense at all and this seems to be the case here.  What to do?  Well, even though you want to keep a working relationship with your ex and his family – especially when your son is at their house, you have to be very careful in terms of how you proceed.  I would suggest to give him a call and have a chat with him about what your son is telling you, giving him a chance to explain himself (because, suppose your son is making some of this up); then, when he is done, explain to him how this is affecting your son on a daily basis.  Let’s say this approach doesn’t work, I’d write him a letter or email him and again ask him to refrain from these negative comments.  If that doesn’t work, I would seek mediation, either via a lawyer or mutual family member, friend or church.  I believe it is THAT serious; when both parents are not on the same page it sends a message of confusion and sometimes causes anxiety for the child.  I would also NOT send him to live (even on an experimental basis), because he can undo all of your hard work, which will really cause you to lose a lot of the hard work you’ve put into creating a stable life for your son.