My husband tried to kill me more than once. What should I do?
I have been married for five years and in a relationship with my husband for about 10 years. I know my husband loves me and I love him. We have two lovely kids and Rosie, believe me when I tell you we have come a long hard way.
Nevertheless, fear forced some change on me, Rosie. I didnât have the expected support from my family nor friends to help me when I wanted to escape the horrendous parts of my life.{{more}}
To cut a long story short, my husband tried and threatened to kill me more than once and out of fear I stayed. On one occasion, I went to my mother and the fact that he had to bring things for our kid at that time, she asked me to leave her house to return to take my “stabs.â
There were occasions when I went to the police. And all they did was talk to him.
Rosie, the thing is he doesnât trust me and I know why. We both gave each other reasons not to trust each other, but we decided to put the past behind us and move on. Apparently, he didnât, but I did, cause I trust him. I decided what I am to know I will know without me going about looking or fishing for anything out of suspicions.
Rosie, if I go out, he doesnât like it, even if I come home later than usual from work. He was laid off from his job and he took it on. Since then, I have been the one providing for our family.
You may be wondering why get married then? The thing is, Rosie, as I said before, I had reasons which surrounded the kids. At that time, I had no choice. And believe me I have thought it out. I had none, so I decided to go with the flow.
The thing is, Rosie, I always knew I have to get out and now I found the courage to do so, Rosie. I feel as if I am no longer afraid. I just have the guts to move on in my life.
I donât want to live with him. I love him, but I donât trust him with my life. Heâs unpredictable. Iâm not moving from one relationship to another, because there isnât anyone else, Rosie. I am faithful to him and have been throughout our marriage and for a very long time. He doesnât believe I am and I have been. Rosie, I gave this man my innocence, my youth, even my virginity and he still appears to want total control.
He doesnât compliment me, Rosie, and other people do. When I ask why he didnât, he doesnât say anything.
On another note Rosie, someone came back in my life and gave me that courage. Yes, we were in a relationship before my husband existed in my life, but we were never intimate. But Rosie, this guy, he shows me my worth. He shows that he cares. He compliments me. Heâs there for me.
Weâre not looking for a relationship. He has his family and I have mine. Rosie, everybody keeps telling me I deserve more. People see what I go through with my husband. He may appear to be okay with something and behind closed doors he wants to tell me what to do and what not not to.
We havenât gotten physical in terms of fighting for the new year so far, but Rosie I know how he operates. No matter how long it takes, he always turns back to his ways. He even drinks alcohol and gets drunk, even with the kids at home sometimes. People think itâs his work that he lost, but Rosie while that may be part of it, he used to do this even while he was working.
I complain of the alcohol. After months of me “naggingâ him, he holds off. Rosie, am I waiting around for a change that may never come? What kind of feeling does he have for me? I know it may seem as if time has passed and why did she wait so long? But Rosie, itâs not easy fighting a battle alone, especially with kids involved.
Rosie Iâm not even 30 yet. What should I do? I donât want to walk out with him unemployed. I donât want to live with him. I believe in marriage, Rosie. I definitely know its not the right life for our kids. What if he comes at me, Rosie? I donât want people to know my plans, because he may just find out.
Rosie, I even went as far as to ask myself if it is this guy who is influencing me and I donât know. All I want Rosie is some peaceful time. Not a controlling man. Not a life where Iâm fearful of him doing this and that; so in order to prevent all this, I do what is pleasing to him.
Rosie, my husband will cook for me, wash for me, practically pamper me in whatever way he can. He loves his kids. I know all that. Is he obsessed?
Honestly, Rosie. What am I to do?
Struggling
Dear Struggling,
Straight out the gate and I donât normally do this, but YES, YES, WALK AWAY NOW. This relationship is unfortunately a toxic one. No one should go through this level of mental and emotional anguish. I know I will get some feedback from a few people because I am not encouraging you to “work it out.â But I am going by pure instinct here and I really think that this relationship has run its course; it is time to walk away!
You are overall correct; no one should be threatened to be stabbed, to be made to feel afraid, or even unappreciated for the positive efforts they bring to their relationship. If all of this becomes a daily struggle, then you have to wonder if it is all really worth it.
Remember you have to be of healthy spirit and mind. If you are not doing well emotionally, then what happens to your childrenâs quality of life? They are also absorbing all this negative energy that they are witnessing on a daily basis and this is not a positive experience for them at all.
Then, on the other hand, do not get emotionally caught up with this blast from the past. He is in the past for a reason; whatever decisions you make about dissolving your marriage canât be fuelled by the sweet whisperings of a time gone by. You have to be selfish and think about yourself and your children exclusively.
To also address your emotional state, you are going to need A LOT of support. Some of this support may come from virtual strangers, because it seems as though your own circle has some issues to begin with. You should also think about getting therapy as well; this will help you to have a greater clarity about what your future steps should be.
Overall, I am very proud that you want more for yourself. That is a great first step; know that you can do this and always remind yourself that you are worth much more than being second best.
All the best, my friend,
Rosie
Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or
PO Box 152, Kingstown, St Vincent & the Grenadines
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