My girlfriend has cheated and lied to me. What should I do?

Hey Rosie,

First of all let me commend you for the great work. I’ve always read your articles and found them very interesting and helpful. However, I’ve found myself in a bit of a tight spot.

I’m a 19-year-old male and I’ve been in a relationship with a young lady for seven months now and it’s been a lot of problems with other guys. At the start of the relationship, she cheated and lied to me. She claimed she was single when we first met, but was in a complicated relationship.{{more}} I tried telling her about my findings and asking her to let’s talk about it so we can work something out, so I can see where I am heading with my life. She denied it all, claiming he was like a brother to her and no one knows what goes on in her relationships; until one day I texted her and the guy answered me with some disturbing messages, so I locked her off for one month until we talked things over and were back again.

She has had a past that no guy would really want to settle for, but I believe people change. But she keeps messing around with other men/boys and I keep leaving, but she keeps coming back stronger and stronger. I’ve had it with all these secrets and liming games. She’s admitted her problem, I see her making efforts to change, but I keep remembering the past and I don’t think I trust her so much. I am not as abusive as her ex was, but non-verbally I can be a demon. I need help because I really love her and she’s trying, but I am confused, even though things are perfectly fine on the outside for us, I am in a serious battle inside with myself. Please, I need some advice so I can be at peace with myself. Thanks in advance.

Need Answers

Dear Need Answers,

Wow! I have to say that you are definitely in touch with your emotions, which therefore have you asking the right questions. How can I trust her? How can I be at peace with myself? These are awesome questions and the first steps to gaining clarity – some grown folks can’t even do what you are already trying to do here at 19.

Listen, I am all for second, third and sometimes fourth chances. But guess what? When does the person help himself or herself, and you stop becoming an enabler in the situation? There are a lot of deceptions, trust issues and hurt that are involved here. She HAS to work on HER; you can’t. She has to realize that cheating and being in an abusive relationship isn’t a healthy thing; you can’t. She has to decide that she should seek counselling and help to unload her burdens to a neutral party; you can’t.

You see, I personally think that it’s great that you are a person who can give someone second chances, but in your head, you aren’t completely comfortable with her honesty – so you should be honest with yourself; it is time that you maybe just be friends with her and support her as a friend. I don’t think both of you at this time should be together, because there are so many unresolved issues between you. You should also seek someone to talk to privately as well. This is truly a “Complicated Relationship”, one that you maybe should consider not being in with the person, but being there for her as a friend. I wish your discernment all the best.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St Vincent & the Grenadines.