My boyfriend’s hurtful words and actions have made me an emotional wreck

Hey Rosie,

I must commend you for the advice which you give on a weekly basis; you are phenomenal. Hence the reason I am seeking your advice.

I have been in a relationship with a guy I love, for over four years. At first we argued like a normal couple, but over the years, the arguments became more frequent, which resulted in physical and verbal abuse. There’s always a problem with where I want to go, what I should wear and who I should talk to. If I ever have a male friend, my boyfriend gets jealous and attacks me.{{more}} On several occasions, I got slapped across the face, was thumped in the back, choked, pushed against a wall, kneed in the chest and told hurtful things, such as “I hate you”; “when I look at you, you make me ****ing sick”; “I wish you are raped”; “you will end up with nothing”; “if I find out you ever cheated, I will kill you” and the list goes on….

After the damage is done, he would then apologise, shower me with kisses and have sex with me. I still don’t know how or why I let him, but for some reason, I do, and I’m so ashamed of this, because I know he manipulates me. In every way, he tries to convince me that I am the cause of the abuse by saying “you don’t ever listen to me; if you listen to me everything will be perfect”.

I normally let him know how hurtful his words and actions are. I’ve even discussed with him the fact that it is unacceptable, but I always get the feeling that my opinion doesn’t matter. There is nothing more confusing about what’s happening, and I always thought that not only would I instantly leave if a man ever laid his hands on me, but I always thought I would call the police, or hit back. I’m already an emotional wreck; many times I shed tears of hurt, tears of humiliation, tears of pain, and tears of frustration. It’s being replayed over and over in my mind, not wanting to believe it is happening to me and he never seems to care.

Rosie, I am in desperate need of help.

Emotional Wreck

Hello Emotional Wreck,

Thank you for your kind words; I really do appreciate it. However, I am very concerned about your well-being and safety at this moment. You are at a crossroads and you NEED to make some serious choices as soon as possible.

The thing is, when I went over this very disturbing and graphically violent letter describing your level of abuse, I also gathered that you DO know that this treatment is absolutely unacceptable! So then, the question becomes, “Why do you stay?” You are exhibiting classic signs of a true victim of domestic abuse/violence. Your common sense knows that you shouldn’t have to put up with this behaviour, but your spirit is holding you back from leaving. Well, it’s time to break those shackles FREE!!

You have to ask yourself: Are you put here to be: thumped, choked, slapped, pushed, cursed, and made to feel less than dirt? I think not! Do you think that empty word – “sorry”, followed by his getting sexual gratification from you is the answer? I know you said that you thought that you may have fought back (this is not the answer) or called the police (that’s one of the steps in a few to take care of this mess), but you are still stuck in the same spot.

Well, it’s a dawning of a new day; the fact that you reached out lets me know that you are turning a new leaf in the chapter of your life. I’m going to go two ways with this. I wish that you can do what you need to do. In my perfect world, I would wish that you could leave the country completely and start over in a safe haven, possibly with family or friends who would be willing to help you with a fresh start, followed up with some intensive therapy! But I will be more realistic; so you are going to have to be very brave and walk away, no matter what he says, or the cruel things he may try to do. You will have to go to the police and file a case for a protective order from him. You should also let all your friends and relatives know that you have broken the relationship off completely from him and they can be your eyes and ears, just in case he tries something. Never go out alone; always have a group around you and no matter how he sweet talks you, remain firm about your goals.

Also, write your goals down and put them somewhere that you can see them often. Finally, get some counselling my girl! You are going to need to rebuild your self- esteem. You CAN do this, you CAN do this…now you repeat. May the strength of the Lord be with you always.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or

P.O Box 152,Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.