I haven’t had sex with my husband for 7 months

Dear Rosie,

I would appreciate it if you can give me a bit of advice. I’m a 33-year-old woman living abroad. I’ve been married for six years now to a guy who is 11 years my senior. I have three kids, I had them before I met my husband. When we met, I told him I wasn’t looking for love, but he fell in love with me and he wanted me to move to his country.{{more}} So being a single mom at the time, I thought it would be a good opportunity for me and my kids, so

I did, and told myself maybe along the way I would feel the same way he does about me.

But within those six years we’ve fought a lot, threatened to leave each other and more. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I told him this. We haven’t been sexually involved for the past seven months and it’s been scarce like this throughout because I’m not sexually attracted to him.

My problem now is that I was at home on vacation over a month ago and I met someone (he’s 43 years old) who lives in the same country as I do. The way we met was surreal. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, and I’m not really a friendly person, but when we crossed paths, it’s like we’ve met in another life or something (not sure if that makes sense). I can talk to him about every and anything, and that’s not normal for me, I keep everything inside. I made sure I told him about my current situation, so I’ve been honest throughout. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel like I can love again. Now we’ve been talking every day since then and we both are beginning to fall in love with each other. Deep inside he’s like my soulmate, its ridiculous. We get so much fun out of the little things we do together, like a walk in the park. I’ve met his best friend and few of his family members.

Now I’ve told my husband I’ve met someone, and he’s actually taken it well. I made sure I was honest with him, but he’s trying so hard to make me fall in love with him, and its just not happening. I wish I can tell my heart what to feel and who to feel it for. So I have no idea what my next step will be. What should I do Rosie? Please help me.

Confused in Foreign

Dear Confused in Foreign,

You do have a dilemma on your hands! Wow, where do I start? Well, let me simply start and end with you. By no means is this any harsh criticism of you, but as you have heard me mention in the past, let’s have some “real talk”.

You were a single parent, who met another man, who moved with him abroad, got married, but who was not happy with this person. You realized that he was a good man, but not THE man for you. I also do understand you weren’t necessarily looking for another relationship to complicate your life at this time, but this is what life has placed in your way, another suitor.

Now, one thing I give you is that you are very honest about your feelings. Not only to yourself, but to your husband, even though it must be very painful for him to hear. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He has established a life with you and the children (I am pretty sure he treats them as if they were his own as well). He realizes that you aren’t in love with him and there is no stopping the inevitable in the long run. I feel for him and you should as well. This is a painful time for both of you. So what do you do?

End it with your husband first. End it decently and as civilly as possible. I am always on board for counseling and going to your pastor or church leader to save a marriage, but I have the feeling you have emotionally exited from this relationship a while ago. I urge you to do the right thing and not be a finger pointer and place blame at this time because it will not get you anywhere.

I also would like to stress that you will need to seek some sort of counselling yourself. You have a void within yourself that must be filled by you first. Do not complicate your life by getting into a deep relationship at this time. Heal yourself first, refocus on what you would like your immediate goals to be for yourself and your children. Sometimes, we need that “down time” to get a clearer understanding about the right direction that you should take. Please take baby steps at this time. No big leaps! This goes for your current relationship and wherever this new road my lead you. Wishing you only the very best at this very difficult crossroad in your life.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.