I should have known better

Dear Life Coach,

I keep blaming myself because I should have known better; I should have stayed and not gone. I left the house thinking that I would have escaped as the flood waters began to rise. Little did I know the fate that was at hand; it was worse, way worse. I was swept away and almost lost my life. Every day I think about it, and my friends and family also constantly remind me. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have stayed at home.{{more}}

Regretful Ruby (RR)

Dear RR,

You blame yourself for leaving home during the flood causing harm to yourself. You think it was a foolish decision which your family has not allowed you to forget. Furthermore you refuse to forgive yourself

Your Situation:

You were swept away in the flood and spared only with your life. Here are some factors that have contributed to your present situation: fight or flight reaction, negative recollections of the event, behavioural self-blame, shame, self-pity, naysayers, and the need for forgiveness. I will address these briefly.

Fight or Flight Reaction

When we encounter a fearsome situation our bodies react with the ‘fight or flight’ response. So, as the flood waters began to rise, some persons made a quick decision to stay in their houses (fight for their survival in the situation), while others decided to take flight (leave the house in order to escape and thus survive). There is no physiological response to danger that is wrong or right; it is an automatic or instinctual reaction. During the flood, there were individuals who stayed and met ill fate, and there were individuals who left and also met ill fate. It is hard for anyone to know the right thing to do, because we cannot predict the future and in that case we use our best judgment, given the situation; but things do not always work in our favour.

Behavioural Self-Blame

Behavioural self-blame refers to holding one’s self responsible for an act of omission (something you didn’t do, which now you feel you should have done) or commission (something you did, which now you feel you should not have done). You believe that your being swept away is your own fault (that is, you feel that you have failed yourself by having left the house instead of staying).

Negative Recollections

You were traumatized by the flood and it is natural for you to think about it. However, if you continue to muse on it constantly, you will become trapped in the past, which means that you will be wasting both the present and the future.

What to Do:

No Blame

Know that there is no blame. You could not have known how things would end. You were simply trying to escape a natural disaster.

No Shame

There is also no shame in fight or flight. No one knows why some people flee and some people fight when there is danger. Your tendency was to flee, while others stayed, but the end result was the same.

Avoid Self-Pity

Self-blame and shame often leads to self-pity (feeling sorry for yourself), which in turn may cause you to become depressed. So, take comfort in knowing that you did your best, given who you are and the circumstances you were in, and begin to rejoice that you are still alive, and do not fall into the pit of discouragement and self-pity.

Ignore the Naysayers

Some individuals, including some of our family members, have a very pessimistic view of life; it is all negative to them no matter what is going on. So ignore the ‘naysayers’. You did what you felt you had to do and now it is in the past. When they bring it up, simply say “Thank-you” and let it slide. They will eventually get the message and stop.

Forgiveness

You blame yourself for not making a good decision, and as said before, you could not have known that the waters would burst forth like a dam on the outside. You survived, however, and it is time to forgive yourself; stop being angry with you. You have been through an ordeal and you should be gentle with yourself. Start today with positive self-statements such as “I am smart” and “I survived the flood.” Give yourself a treat; have an ice-cream, get a new hair-do, go out to dinner, or do something else that is rewarding to you. Always love and pamper yourself, because self-value begins with you, and only you know exactly what you need.

Refuse to Live in the Past

Every time these negative thoughts come to you, say silently to yourself, “STOP”! Then think about something pleasant and eventually the thoughts will recede into the background.

Normalize your Life

Ensure that you eat three balanced meals daily and get at least eight hours of sleep each night. Also maintain a daily routine including work, exercise, and socializing with those you love.

Seek Counselling

If you are feeling overwhelmed seek counselling immediately. Check with the school counsellor or principal in your area for information on how to reach a counsellor.

RR, rejoice because you have been spared.

Life Coach

DYNACII

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.