I am ugly and I hate myself

Dear Life Coach,

I am an 18-year-old female and I do not like myself. When I look in the mirror I hate what I see — I think that I am ugly and I do not like the person I see looking back at me — in short, I hate myself. I have no friends and I think that nobody likes me. This makes me hate my mother for bringing me into the world, although she has always treated me well. I hate school, I hate life — I hate the world. I should be going to college soon, but I don’t want to because I do not see the point.{{more}}

Ugly Girl (UG)

Dear UG,

You dislike yourself and feel unworthy of love because you have no friends.

What’s Going On:

Here are some things that are going on in your life that contribute to your present situation: adolescence, poor self-esteem, distorted self-perception, and lack of friendship, among others. I will address these briefly.

Adolescence

During adolescence, friendship with both guys and girls is important to you and without peer acceptance your life feels meaningless and worthless. Preparing for a career now, is also vital, since this will ensure that you are able to support yourself and have a good quality of life as an adult. While you are physically mature, your mental and emotional growth is still in progress and so you continue to be in need of guidance from adults.

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to how we evaluate ourselves (positively or negatively). During infancy and toddlerhood we learn to love ourselves and the world if our caregivers (e.g. parents) love us and treat us well. If they do not, we learn to dislike ourselves and mistrust the world. During childhood and adolescence we continue love ourselves if our peers accept and treat us well. If they reject us, or mistreat us, or we have no friends we develop self-hate and begin to attach a negative value to ourselves such as ‘I am ugly’ or ‘I am no good’, and over time we come to believe that it is true. It is clear that you have no friends and so you believe that you are not worthy of love.

Distorted Self-Perception

Some individuals have a perception of self that is distorted; they do not see themselves as they truly are. For example, persons may see themselves as ugly (unattractive) when in fact they are quite beautiful (lovely to look at). This distortion stems from the negative ways in which we have been treated and the negative things we have internalized (learned to believe about ourselves) from those around us who are significant to us (e.g. peers). You have developed a distorted self-perception based on the rejection you have experienced from your peers.

Lack of Friendship

A lack of friendship can cause loneliness and sadness. Sometimes we are rejected because of differences (e.g. disabilities, where we live, or economic status).

Self-Love

Find a way to accept and love yourself, regardless of what kind of facial features you have, because the face you have is the only face you will have. Besides, no one is truly ugly; what someone sees as ugly, someone else sees as beautiful — ‘beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’. Also, take comfort in knowing that you are beautiful to God who made you and ask Him every day to show you your beauty. In addition, tell yourself every day that you are beautiful regardless of how you feel about it, or what you see in the mirror, and over time you will begin to see your beauty.

Counselling

You have been deeply hurt, so I am strongly recommending that you seek counselling in order to identify why peers have rejected you, work on the pain of peer rejection and restoring your self-esteem.

Go to College

College brings youth from different areas together and opens up possibilities for new friendships. Also, if you attend college now, you are less likely to regret not having pursued your career later on. College will also give you something to focus on.

Talk to Mother or a Trusted Adult

It seems reasonable to blame your mother if you are not enjoying life; she brought you into this world. However, many people try to have children, but are unsuccessful; so the factors that brought you into this world are higher than your mother. She has always treated you well and, no doubt, is concerned about you. So, talk to her, let her know what is going on, and allow her to help you. If you are not able to talk to your mother, find a pastor or another trustworthy adult (e.g. a teacher) to support you during this difficult time.

Seek New Friendships

Although you have no friendships in your school or neighbourhood, this does not mean that friendships are impossible. Open up yourself to new experiences that will bring you into contact with new people and potential friendships; join a gym or youth group, and go to church and college.

UG, you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator, and that makes you beautiful.

DYNACII

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