Are you in a trauma bond?

Trauma bonding is when a deep attachment develops from a cycle of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement.

Trauma bonds most commonly develop in romantic relationships, and leaving these relationships can be very hard. It is difficult to process feelings after emotional or
physical abuse, especially if the abuser acts loving afterward. Trauma bonding is one reason that leaving an abusive situation can feel confusing and overwhelming. It involves positive and/or loving feelings for an abuser, making the abused person feel attached to and dependent on the abuser.

Notably, not all abusive situations result in trauma bonding, you may be unsure if this term applies to you.

So, what are signs of trauma bonding? They include the following:

• An abuse victim covers up or makes excuses to others for an abuser’s behaviour.

• An abuse victim lies to friends or family about the abuse.

• A victim doesn’t feel comfortable with or able to leave the abusive situation.

• An abuse victim thinks the abuse is their fault.

• The abuse follows a cycle (i.e., the abuser tries to make up for an abusive incident).

• The abuser promises they’ll change but they never do.

• The abuser controls the victim (i.e., manipulation or gaslighting).

• The abuser isolates the victim from friends and family.

• The abuser gets friends and family on their side.

• The victim continues to trust the abuser.

It is not always easy to recognize trauma bonding. Often, at the beginning of a relationship, it may seem very loving, affectionate, and passionate, which makes it hard to believe that your partner would do anything to hurt you. At some point, emotional, physical, or psychological abuse occurs, and it is hard to process, and the abuser often tries to talk their way out of it and manipulate their partner into thinking they love them, that they will change, and that it will never happen again.

This is how trauma bonds start. It becomes a cycle where the abuser keeps doing the same thing but follows with positive reinforcement, giving their partner empty promises and convincing them they love them, only for it to happen again and again.

The following describes how trauma bonding typically unfolds:

1. Initial Vulnerability: The process of trauma bonding often starts with one person in the relationship being vulnerable due to past experiences of trauma, low self-esteem, or a desire for love and approval.

2. Cycle of Abuse: The abuser or manipulator uses tactics such as intermittent reinforcement (alternating between kindness and abuse), gaslighting (manipulating someone into questioning their own reality), and isolation (cutting off the victim from support networks) to gain control over the victim.

3. Heightened Emotional States: During abusive episodes, the victim experiences intense emotional states such as fear, confusion, and helplessness. These emotions are heightened due to the perceived threat from the abuser.

4. Perceived Survival and Dependence: In response to the abuse, the victim may feel a need to survive or a dependence on the abuser for safety, approval, or emotional validation. This creates a psychological bond where the victim seeks closeness and approval from the same person who causes them harm.

5. Cognitive Dissonance: Over time, conflicting feelings arise where the victim may simultaneously fear the abuser and crave their affection or approval. This creates cognitive dissonance, where the victim tries to reconcile these contradictory feelings.

6. Reinforcement of Bond: The cycle of abuse continues with periods of tension building, abuse, and then reconciliation (often referred to as the honeymoon phase), where the abuser may apologize, show affection, or promise to change.

These moments of kindness or perceived caring reinforce the bond and create hope that things will improve.

7. Normalization of Abuse: As the cycle repeats, the victim may begin to normalize the abuse, rationalize the abuser’s behaviour, or blame themselves for the mistreatment. This further strengthens the trauma bond as the victim becomes more emotionally invested in the relationship.

8. Isolation and Control: The abuser often isolates the victim from friends, family, or other support systems, making it harder for the victim to seek help or leave the relationship. This reinforces dependence on the abuser and intensifies the trauma bond.

In summary, trauma bonding starts through a combination of vulnerability, manipulation tactics from the abuser, intense emotional experiences, and a cycle of abuse and reconciliation. It creates a complex psychological dynamic where the victim feels emotionally attached to the person who causes them harm, making it difficult to break free from the relationship. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for understanding and addressing trauma bonding effectively. Next time, we’ll look at steps to help you break a trauma bond.