Dear Pastor
January 6, 2006

She wants to remain friends

Dear Pastor Jackson,

I am a regular reader of your column and I want to congratulate you on a job well done.

Pastor, I recently saw you address a situation with two persons who were having an affair and decided to stop. They tried being friends but kept failing. You advised against them remaining close and I agree with that advice.{{more}}

You see, I am in a similar situation with my ex- girlfriend. We were not having affairs but were actually together, but recently ended our relationship. The thing is she wants us to remain friends but I don’t think I can handle that. I have nothing against her but I rather just be totally away from her. If I see her I will say hello and so on. But Pastor she behaves as though every thing is cool, hailing me out, hugging and things like that but for me it feels weird and I rather she just leaves me alone. The thing is though I didn’t want to seem childish or immature. What do you think?

Greetings to you,

I am a bit blind sided answering you because one of the first things I would have liked to know is the reason for your breakup. That reason is the key in determining the answer to your question of immaturity and so on. For instance if you did something crazy that caused the relationship to break down and she is willing to move on in friendship and you are not, yes that will raise questions about your level of maturity. But if your ex cheated or dumped you for someone else, anything like that and then thinks she could be your bosom buddy then she needs her head examined forthwith.

You see the relationship two people have after an intimate relationship they had is conditioned by the scenario involved in their breakup and an honest assessment of the lingering emotional baggage.

But when it all comes down to it, if you are not prepared for whatever reason to “be cool’ with your ex, you should put her to sit down and make that clear. Because the worse thing that can happen after a break up is to continue to ride the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship. A fresh start often demands a total purging from the past. All the best to you in 2006.