De love vine Gifts for Santa

Late last night, ah got ah phone call from Santa. He phone to come-plain bout Rollie Bowman who de-fame-in his name two years in ah row. last year, he did it in de lyrics of his Christmas Song: ” Santa Brokes!” He explained to me how after Rollie released “Santa Brokes,” de print and electronic media in de North Pole had ah field day wid de lines in de chorus dat says: “So when you see me begging, Gee me little something, dis Santa is not joking, Ah brokes!” Worse still was when his production staff, de magical Elves and nine Reindeers heard de song on Radio, dey walked off de wuk! If Santa only knew about de E-con-ah-me of SVG, he won’t be bothered about someone wrongfully saying he Brokes and Begging.{{more}}

But Red nose Rudolph told him dat he heard “Gifts For Santa,” Rollie’s song foh dis year, and de song bigging up Santa as Hero and Role Model. Santa said he listened de song line foh line, and Rollie revisited de scene last year how “Santa was Brokes and stretching out his hand!” Even meking fun of Santa’s vision, his size and his looks. What made Santa really mad is dat Rollie, wid all his sack-is-him promising Santa to correct all ah dat by buying “Gifts foh Santa!”

Ah told Santa dat “Gifts for Santa” is de No 1 song foh dis year! And ah had to explain to him not to tek it personally, because down hey, de Guv-ah-mint pop-ah-gang-dah mash-een, de Raid-yuh Stay-shun, giving Rollie hell foh singing dah same song. De hosts and dem getting licks from de PM foh de non-cents dey does entertain foh national discussion, so dey looking foh ah scape-goat, is only Rollie’s simple, humor-us Christmas lyrics dey interpreting as ah negative tribute to de Guv-ah-mint. Rile-in-up especially de lines in de song way Rollie say, he buying glasses foh Santa “to see de poor and needy we have in dis country.” And how one ah his “Gifts for Santa” is he teking him out ah de Red outfit, how it causing too much K-us down hey! Nice picong pon Santa, but ah reminded Santa dat Red is now de national colour, and Elect-shun is due anytime now. But Santa interrupted me and said: “I beg to differ. I will not object to a change from dat worn and torn, 200 year ole Red Outfit, especially how lately, half de population cussing me say, I giving de better Gifts to de Red-necks.” He however made it M-fat-he-call-he clear dat he will not be wearing no Yellow Outfit! Green maybe, if only to thank Green Party man I-fan-an-eel, ” for bringing to light all de extraction ah your local funds by Far-reigners!” SVG needs Santa’s Cause, but yuh keep getting Santa’s Claws!” He said.

Now Santa is teking issues how in one line Rollie build him up say he is ah Hero, and in de next line, he warning him dat as ah role model, he is much too Fat, and dis Christmas he making Santa ah Gift of ah Tread Mill to get rid ah dat Belly. But Santa is suggesting dat Rollie mek dat two Tread Mills, one foh Ralph and de other foh Arm-in!

He shifted de topic from Rollie onto some ah de items de children asking foh in dey “Letters to Santa.” He’s impressed dat de kids are getting health conscious, ah lot ah dem asking foh fruits, Black Berry in particular! He is happy dat ah lot ah dem asking foh Note-Books, but wants to know why so many requests for “Tablets,” he asking if de Hospital run out ah Sugar and Pressure Tablets. Ah hinted to Santa dat he needs to visit ah store dat sells Phones and ask foh all ah dem things. ” And what about those “Eye Patches” de kids asking for, dey planning on becoming one-eye bandits or something?” Ah couldn’t mek him hear me laughing at his joke, but in ah soothing way ah told him dat de item is I Pads and not “Eye Patches.” And ah beg him hard nah mek Rollie hear dat, because he will most likely write another song on “Santa Ill” as in Computer Ill-Litter-rate! Nice song, good humor Rollie!

SAINT NELSON OF MANDELA

Ninety-one world leaders will attend Saint Nelson’s funeral. Everybody who is ah sum-body in Polly-tricks, wants to be dey. My only question is, what was de extent ah dey support in de Liberation of Black Africa from Ah-part-tied and de Freedom of Mandela? De only Carry-Beyond man alive today who could raise his hand and say “I did!” is Fidel Castro. In 1975 over 25,000 Cuban Freedom Fighters fought wid de Angolans (MPLA) against de American-backed intervention of racist South Africa and Zaire. If Mandela was Cat-lick dey would ah mek him ah Saint.

PAN LIKE YUH NEVER HEAR BEFORE

Ah predicting dat Sunday afternoon’s Steel Band Concert at de Fair Trade Car Park, will be de best ever Pan Presentation in SVG. De climax will be when all six leading Bands combined, will be playing two Christmas items, arranged by our very own Ashley Kirby, among de best in de Carry-Beyond! Ah plugging foh de Youlou Pam Movement, Please Come! And wid dat is gone ah gone again.

One Love Bassy.

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.