Ah shopping list foh Santa

De Christmas Season is supposed to dey hey but ah ain’t feeling it. Ah wonder if is nah de Death ah dah Riff-random dah got de place still Dead-he, Dead-he, Any how dis week ah taking ah break from de Pal-ha-ticks because it is de Season ah Love and Piece (ham, ginger and black cake) de real Peace tek no-pay leave.{{more}} Lie-Za come hurry, hurry, giving me ah-merge-an-see list ah names ah people in distress foh de Christmas, tell me to see if ah could catch Santa before he leave de North Pole, and ask him to see way he could do foh dem.

Ah used Santa die-wreck number he did give me, luckily ah caught him just as he was about to lock down his ‘Slay’. “Yuh lucky so and so” he said, “I am all ready to leave, Yuh and Lie-Za always bringing yuh last minute list ah impossibilities, anyhow ley me hear what all yo want dis year.”

Ah told him: “Santa, is dis inner-saint young lady at de NCB dah dey tek mek scape-goat, to cover ah dirty track, say she expose Con-Fee-den-sell bank info, and dey fire she”. “Ho! Ho ! Ho!” he said, “Gone-soft is acting up eh, O.K, think I will bring a tight fitting swim wear for dat young lady, when she put it on, it will mek de man-ah-jaw Eye-tun, tell her she will get back her wuk, not to worry”.

“Wait Santa, not so fast” I said, “could yuh mek dah two swim wear, is another Police woman at de Port dat lose she wuk too”. “, Ho, Ho, Hooo, ah Police woman eh, think I will get her ah tighter pair ah pants and dat will get her back ah job at Montrose”. Dat Santa ain’t play he know commess. Ah ask him if he remember Zion-I who did sing dat bite-in Kaiso foh Carnival, way he touch up from captain to crook sorry, cook. Ah told him Zion-I got dismissed, he informed de nation on Radio, dat de Boss-man, Paul called him to de office and informed him dat he Paul, was instructed to lay him off. “Did you say de Apostle Paul did dat?” Santa asked. “Oh no Santa, not de Apostle, is de profit Paul on Curb-B” ah told him. He told me to tell Zion-I not to worry, he will get his Christmas in July, dat he Santa will write two Kaisos foh Zion-I and he will be Kasio King 2010. And den Santa said: “If what Zion-I said about de profit is true, he needs to read de book of Daniel again and again.”

“By de way” Santa said, “Didn’t yuh all just have some kind of ah voters show-down last month, where de Guv-ah-mint side was ma-sack-hard, and like dey ain’t get de message, are dey still wid dey victim-I-say-shun?”

Ah pretend ah didn’t hear dat, but ask him how he stand wid cash, if he could give de Guv-ah-mint ah small gift, one to pay COW contractors from Bo-bid-us wuking hey, so dat dey could pay de bills dey owe de local businessmen foh months, and open back dey business. De second set ah money is to pay severance to de Gesco wukers who got severed widout ah cent, right now dey have no wuk, no money foh Christmas. Yuh know way Santa tell me? dat he in de North Pole was listening to ah meeting in Par-Liar-mint in June, and he tek his two rain-dear ears and hear de Prime Minister, responding to de majority leader, Arm-in Use-tusk, saying he had de money to pay de Gesco wukers. In de same breath Santa tun round and ask me: “ Was it dat Prime Minister who told Par-Liar-min dat he Lies? “ Ah did fraid to tell Santa yes, so ah quickly told him dat he did say he does Lie, but only sometimes, not all de time. Anyhow Santa told me to find out how much money dey need and let him know, so it seems like COW contractors and Gesco wukers will get goodies from Santa foh Christmas.

“Is dat all” he asked. Ah felt kind ah shame because de list didn’t finish, so ah told him dat Lie-Za want him to bring ah White Angel foh she, she want to answer de million US dollar question, way par dat money come from, and how it reach de Bank. And $anta must bring ah Note$ Book foh hi$ former $exy-tree friend, Julie Ann to keep all dem note$ in.

Finally he asked me how de country going, if is anyting he could bring de PM as ah so-prize; ah beg him hard, No mo so-prize, last month alone was devastating, anyting else will give him ah heart attack. Anyhow ah told him de land need Heel-in, but just when ah was about to tell him on his way down, he could stop in Canada and pick up ah few bottles ah de good ole time Can-aid-Ian Heel-in Oil foh de PM to officially declare his Heel-in Rev-all-yuh-shun open, ah charming female voice cut in our telephone conversation and said “ I’m sorry, Your credit has expired”.

MR LIGHTS IS BACK FOH 2009

De wek-end promises to be bright, Carriere Village will light up, Sister Jenny Richardson and her team been wuking tirelessly, wid limited funds to blast off on Friday night, dat’s tonight.

De RC Church will have dey annual Christmas Street Fair on North River Road wid lots ah good tasting international cuisine. I have never missed it, can’t miss de Philippino grill meat.

And finally after one year of absence due to his health, Mr Ash is back dis year, he will switch on ah record 68 thousand lights dis Sunday night at 7:00 p.m. It is ah good gesture by Sis Rene and de Nine Morning Committee to place Mr Ash’s works on our Postage Stamp, in recognition his one-dah-full contribution to Vincy Christmas. See yuh dey, don’t forget to get de last ah de Tri Tri foh de season on Sat-dey, and wid dat is gone ah gone again.

One Love Bassy

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.